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Okay. Guys, this is real. I am not kidding. Those guys at Archie Comics are going to create a Jersey Shore mash-up, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Reggie (who is a big douchemuncher to begin with) will rechristen himself as “The Complication,” and get six-pack abs. More from StyleList:

Archie’s red hair is gelled up into a Pauly D do, and newcomer Cheryl Blossom (now known as Snookums) sports an impressive pouf that would make Snooki proud. Betty, Veronica, Jughead, and the rest of their gang will also undergo similar transformations, and an Archie Comics rep tells StyleList that Veronica’s parents, Mr. Lodge and Mrs. Lodge, get made over “Jersey Shore”-style too!

Now I can’t decide if this is the greatest thing ever or if this is a sign that the fall of Western Civilization is at hand.

Archie Comics is no stranger to pop-culture references (have you seen all those dated 70′s pop-culture jokes they still publish in those Digests?) but this is like the first time they’ve published something that’s not at least six years obsolete. I mean, wow. And of all the things they have to use, they had to choose fucking Jersey Shore? I don’t know if they’re doing this as a spoof or if they’re really in love with Jersey Shore, but I’m reading this once it comes out.

Okay, the Archie universe is beginning to be as convoluted as DC and Marvel.

According to Canada.com (lol), Archie’s married adventures in the future are far from over.

Back in May, it was revealed Archie would finally ditch his wishy-washy Riverdale High School persona and get hitched. The pronouncement caused a huge media buzz and led to editorial columns debating the virtues of marrying the pleasant, blond Betty versus hooking up with Veronica, the often-bad-tempered brunette.

Well, it seems the redhead with the checkerboard hair is living some sort of a six-part dreamlike existence in which he is walking down a road called Memory Lane. In the first scenario, released in an edition last month, Archie walks toward a fork in the road and turns left, allowing him to see his life after a marriage to Veronica. This time, he walks to the right and envisions a future with Betty as his bride. In each sequence, Archie ends up with twins.

Also, from NY Times:

This alternative future will be a relief to the fans who reacted negatively to the marriage to Veronica. “The polls that I’ve seen ran about 80/20, Betty over Veronica, with Jughead continually coming in a strong third,” said Mr. Uslan, a comic-book historian.

LOL.

Ok, so now that Archie Comics have introduced the concept of alternate timelines in their universe, epic major crossover anyone?

Know what I think? I think Archie Comics should’ve just stuck to their guns with the Archie-Ronnie marriage and came up with a married Archie spinoff. Now that’s something I would want to read.

And if they feel that they can’t get Archie out of the marriage without aging him, there’s always Mephisto.

P.S. I fear that Archie comics may jump the shark after all of this.

Oh look, it’s Friday, and that means us Comicgasm monkeys have to write reviews to satisfy your comic book urges! Even if our reviews are a day late so it really won’t mean anything because I’m pretty sure you’ve already read these issues and our opinions would be pretty much superfluous! How’s this for a filler intro!

First, apologies for the lack of articles. You see, RJ, Fiel and I have been stuck in the mountains of Tibet where we discovered a secret tribe of hot Tibetan women. The welcome fellatio we received from them was so intense this blog actually stopped churning updates.

To make it up for you, Lady Bullseye and I have set up this little slapstick routine, where one of us ends up with a concussion…

Thanks for taking one for the team, Lady Bullseye! (continue reading…)