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He is known by many names; Sven of Orkney, Sven the Returned, Sven Old-man McBadass. Yes folks, Sven is back! And he is OLD! Set several decades after he left Orkney with his wife Enna, his name became a legend in the Viking World. And The Viking World had a lot of young dumbasses; idiots that had everything to prove, eager for a reputation, stupid enough to seize glory by slaying viking legend Sven.

Sven, the mighty viking of epic tales and poems had become Sven the exile. He and his family had tried living a peaceful normal life, until these young vikings found him. This is where Sven goes Viking Clint Eastwood on them and tells them to get off his lawn, which at that time meant brutally murdering them all.

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We interrupt your regularly scheduled mainstream comics for some VIKING CHICKS! That’s right, Welcome to the world of Northlanders. Where Invader is the preferred occupation and Rape and Pillage is their facebook.

Set in Northern Europe, this book is a series of 8-part arcs followed by 2-part short stories about the lives of the people in the different eras and occupations pre-1000AD.

The current 2-parter arc just ended with Northlanders #19; three Danish women, wives of vikings and last survivors of their village found themselves inside an old Roman stronghold after being attacked by Saxon invaders. Using their wits and what they’ve learned from their late husbands, they managed to hold off the Saxons by themselves until they found a way to escape. Girl power at it’s finest and bloodiest!

The first arc is by far, my favorite. It’s about an exiled Viking named Sven(with a name like that, how can you not like him?) and his battle to regain his birthright against his uncle, against the invading Saxons and his realization of what a Norseman truly is. Also, he’s one BADASS muthafucka.

It’s normal to see comic book heroes sweep hordes of enemies in one go, but they don’t have superpowers or batarangs at that time. Seeing regular people brutally murder and decapitate their enemies, mounting their heads on sticks to be displayed just makes me giddy(DON’T JUDGE ME).

This is Sven. Yes, he’s wearing a Stag’s head

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Blindnote: Sorry for the lack of updates; I blame online games, alchohol and gurlz.And Dan Didio.

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Wow, I haven’t cursed Vertigo since forever.

Yes, I’m 3 weeks late, but I don’t care!

We never got her name! Why must she die? WHY!?

With the next issue due on November, all I can do is sulk, be angsty and redirect my anger by Defending the Ancients. GRRR! T_T

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There are five levels to being a comic book reader. Try to see where you fit in.

DC:

Level Zero is where you think this is Manga. You need to kill yourself now.

Level One is where you don’t read DC and is only familiar with the big three, Justice League and Superfriends.

Level Two is DC Neophyte, where you’ve read a couple of issues of Batman or Superman and know that he’s Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne. You have no idea what the multiverse is and the thinking of the number of Supergirls made you epileptic.

Level Three is Average DC Reader. You know there’s been more than one Robin, you read comics other than the Big Three or Justice League members, and you know some facts about the past. You’ve encountered most of the crises and big events but is still somewhat confused due to all the retcon that happened.

Level Four is DC Fan. You’ve read all the Crises and Big Events (Crisis on Infinite Earths, Zero Hour, the Kingdom, Identity Crisis, Infinite Crisis, 52, Countdown etc) and actually understand what’s going on. You can recite all the Robins, at all the human Green Lanterns, all the Flahes and their secret identities. Hatred for DC’s Senior VP-Executive Editor Dan Didio is a requirement to be promoted to this level.

Level Five is DC Fanboy. The test to become a DC Fanboy is to understand not only Hawkman’s continuity, but also the Legion of Superheroes and the history of DC’s Limbo. You fully understand the secrets of the Multiverse, How the Golden and Silver age was handled and how every retcon affected the DC Universe. You have a dart board with Dan Didio’s face on it and you’ve read things like the entire run of Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld(All three volumes). You need to get laid. Fast.

I am only a Level Four DC reader. Not that hardcore, sorry.

Marvel:

Level Zero: See DC’s Level Zero.

Level One is the same as DC’s level one. You don’t read Marvel stuff but is familiar with it’s popular characters like Spider-Man and Wolverine. You have no idea who Thor is.

Level Two is Marvel Neophyte. You read one or two Spider-Man issues, and know he’s Peter Parker. Read a couple of X-Men issues and maybe Fantastic Four.

Level Three is Average Marvel Reader. You know that Spidey has more than one costume, bunch of clones, a hot wife and a hot sort of sidekick. You’ve read Avengers, and know who the Vision is. You have a working knowledge of the Marvel Universe. And you use a god damned hyphen when spelling Spider-Man.

Level Four is Marvel Man. You’ve read all three Secret Wars, the complete Infinity series (Gauntlet, War, Crusade, Abyss), and read things like Ant-Man and Alpha Flight. You somehow understand Marvel’s sliding timeline, the difference between 616, Ultimate and Zombie Universe and is secretly gay for Deadpool.

Level Five is the Merry Marvel Marching Society. The test is to first get the reference in the title itself, along with being able to explain time-travel in the Marvel Universe, who Satan is, the history of the New Universe, and the sliding timescale as it applies to the Marvel Universe. You read titles like Terror, INC., and Night Nurse. You know who the original Hulk was, and who the Original Human torch was and how superior he is to the current one ‘coz he killed Hitler. You need to get laid more than the Level Five DC reader, but only by a bit.

Sadly I am only a level Three and a Half Marvel reader, but that’s gonna change in the near future.

Vertigo:

Being a Vertigo Reader is a bit different from the Marvel and DC variations. Mostly because Vertigo books aren’t that popular but is equally(or more) awesome. Being a Vertigo reader only has two levels, binary in fact.

Level Zero: Vertigo Comics? wuts that? There is a special hell waiting for you when you die. You don’t want that to happen do you? Well get going and read Vertigo stuff so you can go to regular hell like the rest of us.

Level One: You recognize Spider Jerusalem as your one true Messiah. Meaning you’ve read everything you need to read that Vertigo made. End of story.

I am obviously at Level One. duh.

So what did ya get? Post ‘em in the comments!

Well that’s it, I hope this post enlightens y’all.

AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!

PS. Image/Darkhorse/Wildstorm = see vertigo

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