This is it: the DC Universe as we knew it since 1985 (or at least 2007, if you’re really pendantic) has come to an end. In its place is a brave new world known as the DCnU – where DC starts over with a blank slate, and where everything can be told anew in a different light. But before we go to the shiny brand-new universe, let us first see how it ends. Here’s Comicgasm’s review of Flashpoint #5.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Ade: Well, that wasn’t half-bad, actually. And I’m saying that as someone who’s hated Flashpoint with a passion since issue 1.

RJ: It certainly exceeded my expectations. It’s no Batman & Robin #16, but it was a good end to an otherwise terrible event.

Ade: Terrible isn’t even the word to describe the clusterfuck that is Flashpoint, man. Everything was just done so haphazardly. The idea that an Age of Apocalypse-style event leads to a universe-wide reboot was just horrible. Which leads to my first problem with Flashpoint: you’re ending a goddamn universe, do the sendoff in THAT universe you’re saying goodbye to, assholes.

RJ: This has become a bad habit of Johns. Trying to cram a shitload of unnecessary plotholes and then DRAGGING the story to hell and back. Add that to his undying love for Silver Age characters (Hal, Barry) and a truckload of unnecessary one shots that no one would read and you’ve got Flashpoint.

Ade: So Flashpoint #5 starts in the middle of a great war with alternate-reality versions of characters we don’t give a shit about. Then Thawne (a character who’s been dead since the original Crisis, was resurrected briefly for Flash Rebirth, then killed, then brought back to life for Brightest Day so basically nobody gives a fuck about him) goes to Barry and blames him for the whole alternate reality thing, except Barry knows nothing. Like always.

RJ: This is Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey stuff done BAD. DC had a good concept of how time travel works established through Booster Gold, Rip Hunter, The Legion of Superheroes and even the Flash titles. They basically threw that away in Flashpoint because fuck everything, Barry Allen does what he wants.

Buttsecks at the speed of light.

Ade: To be honest, I actually liked how Barry lost control and started a chain reaction of events which destroyed the DC universe as we know it. The martyr who saved the universe in Crisis on Infinite Earths, destroying the universe he died for in a moment of stupidity because he forgot the rules of time travel he himself helped create.

RJ: Comicgasm does not like Barry Allen. There, I said it. Or at least, we don’t like him returning. He was better off dead. Yeah, I said it. He inspired other capes, especially other speedsters to never stop trying, even if they have to make the ultimate sacrifice to do so. His return made him a blank slate, just like what happened to Hal during his rebirth.

Ade: But the thing about Hal is that he actually turned out to be a pretty solid character after Rebirth, because he was given time to develop and not be shoehorned into one event after another. Unlike Barry – just look at his 12-issue series. It was excellent, and turning him into a hyper-CSI guy was one of Johns’ finest ideas, and I was sad to see the series get cancelled after a year to give way to fucking Flashpoint.

RJ: Barry died in 1985, that gave Hal a really long head start to get SOME sort of development. His time as Parallax and Specter gave the character some much needed depth. When he finally came back in GL: Rebirth, it gave way to the modern age of Green Lantern comics and arguably one of the best series in GL history. Until Brightest Day came and ruined it, of course. Barry’s Rebirth could have been more successful, if he wasn’t dragged all over the place in one event after another.

Ade: Hal did get some character development after 1985 – he became a pedophile and mass murderer!

RJ: You say that like it’s a bad thing, Ade.

Ade: Baaaack to Flashpoint. As someone who did not follow the tie-ins except the Batman one – which was excellent – I had no idea what the fuck was going on. Who the fuck are those people killing each other, and why the fuck does Superman have a rainbow trailing him when he’s the exact same Kryptonian in the main universe? Also, why the fuck is everyone murdering people left and right Johns what is with your fetish of people getting maimed?!

RJ: The rainbow trail is obviously a homage to Rainbow Dash from My Little Po-

Ade: WE ARE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT PONIES, RJ!

RJ: Baaaack to Flashpoint. Sadly, I followed the other tie-ins, I’m a masochist that way. It only BARELY makes some sort of sense if you read EVERYTHING. A butterfly effect caused by Barry Allen, causing a large number of TIE-INS. TIE-INS EVERYWHERE. But out of all the pointless ones, Batman: Knight of Vengeance was like listening to a Beatles album in a sea of 1:43 and Rebecca Blacks. God damn, I hope they compile that series.

Ade: So after Reverse-Flash gets killed in the most hilarious fashion (sword to the back by Batman after he screams about that he’s invincibFUCK YOU JOHNS) the Flash gets so guilty about the whole “fuck up the entire world and kill a million people in the process because he wants to save his mom” thing so he runs off and tries to find a way to change history back into the way it used to be. But only after he finds a way to make sure he saves his mom and he says that he doesn’t care if a million people die as long as his mom is alivFUCK YOU JOHNS.

RJ: I can’t believe we were Geoff Johns fanboys only a couple of years ago. Now, he’s been inducted to the Comicgasm hate-list with fellow fuckers Judd Winick, Jeph Loeb, James Robinson, Brian Michael Bendis and JT Krul.

Ade: You see, the Geoff Johns who writes and doesn’t give a shit about anything else is totally different from the Geoff Johns who has to take care of DC’s finances and has to make sure that they earn money to keep the overlords at WB happy. Also, I like Judd Winick when he’s not fucking with the fans. Wait, let’s go back to Flashpoint. So what happens after that? I don’t want to reopen my comic because I might beat someone up with a dead cat or something.

RJ: Thomas Wayne stabs a speedster. With a sword. And then Superman arrives and fucks shit up.

Ade: Then Barry runs off and cries to his mom. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!

RJ: Wait, I thought we LIKED Flashpoint #5? Or do we just hate it LESS than Justice League #1?

Ade: Compared to the rest of the series, it was a great issue. But a polished piece of turd is still turd. Anyway, this is the part I actually liked: Barry telling his mom that he might save a universe at the cost of losing her. Then his mom tells him that it’s time for him to let go.

After that beautiful conversation, we get the most insane climax ever: Barry goes back in time to find himself using the cosmic treadmill before he altered the universe. Let me repeat that for you: Barry went back and found himself in a timeline that no longer exists. Then they punch each other.

RJ: This is one of those times where I remember why I liked Johns once upon a time.

Ade: So guilty Barry wins over stupid Barry, and the DC universe changes anew. This is how Geoff Johns says goodbye to the old universe, people. Done in a totally uneventful way that doesn’t even attempt to pay tribute to the 25 years that have gone before. You know the beautiful send-off the Golden, Silver, Bronze and Age DC Universes got in Crisis on Infinite Earths? We don’t get that, because FUCK YOU DC FANS WHO HAVE STAYED LOYAL TO THEM ALL THESE YEARS that’s why.

RJ: Instead, we get a splash page of the DC, Vertigo and Wildstorm universes collapsing into each other. Because Barry Allen punched Barry Allen. God damn, Barry is the Rico Mossesgeld of the DC Universe!

Ade: What I loved about that splash page is that the Flash was in the middle of it all, straining on a treadmill.

RJ: My favorite part of the splash page was where Barry gradually changed costumes and got a chin guard. Because FUCK YOU, JIM LEE.

Ade: That was a nice tribute to Barry’s death in the original Crisis, but yeah FUCK YOU JIM LEE AND YOUR STUPID CHIN GUARDS.

RJ: As much as we hated this entire event (we only hate this particular issue a lot less), it’s uneventful sendoff to 25 years of DCU continuity, and Jim Lee’s stupid chin guards, we loved the part where Barry gives a letter to Bruce from Thomas Wayne, who was more than happy to see his universe disappear so his son could live in a ‘better’ world. Seeing Bruce Wayne buckle and cry, it’s the best possible conclusion to Batman: Knight of Vengeance.

Ade: Oh man, crying Batman was gold. I loved how the DCnU version was not a dick at all. He’s even polite to Flash as he goes to the Batcave unannounced. This is how Batman should be written, and I’m glad he’s less of an asshole in the new universHAHAHAHAHA sorry, I’ve read Justice League #1.

RJ: Dear readers, if you think this is an angry post. Please be reminded that we LIKED Flashpoint #5. Up next, our review for Justice League #1!

Ade: Ah, a comic that we hate! See you tomorrow, readers! Yes, the both of you. While waiting for that review, why don’t you leave a comment and tell us what you think of Flashpoint #5?

RJ & Ade

We're the ones left writing for this blog. We have, like, seven writers. Where the hell is everyone?

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3. REVIEW: Flash Rebirth #5
4. Green Lantern Roundtable Review
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