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Now that the decade is about to end, the Comicgasm staff will walk you through the worst comics of 2000-2009 and why they suck.

Ultimatum is what happens when you get Magneto to reverse the magnetic poles, flood New York, and practically kill half the superhuman population. He’s killing people because A ROBOT WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH THE SCARLET WITCH KILLED HER, SPARKING A BATTLE THAT ULTIMATELY KILLED QUICKSLIVER TOO. Everybody goes crazy and THEY KILL ONE ANOTHER IN THE BLOODIEST, MESSIEST, AND CRAPPIEST WAY POSSIBLE because this is a realistic world and it’s grim and gritty, right? Also, throw in some characters who EAT CORPSES JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT even though they’ve never shown any signs of cannibalism before. (continue reading…)

Okay, the Archie universe is beginning to be as convoluted as DC and Marvel.

According to Canada.com (lol), Archie’s married adventures in the future are far from over.

Back in May, it was revealed Archie would finally ditch his wishy-washy Riverdale High School persona and get hitched. The pronouncement caused a huge media buzz and led to editorial columns debating the virtues of marrying the pleasant, blond Betty versus hooking up with Veronica, the often-bad-tempered brunette.

Well, it seems the redhead with the checkerboard hair is living some sort of a six-part dreamlike existence in which he is walking down a road called Memory Lane. In the first scenario, released in an edition last month, Archie walks toward a fork in the road and turns left, allowing him to see his life after a marriage to Veronica. This time, he walks to the right and envisions a future with Betty as his bride. In each sequence, Archie ends up with twins.

Also, from NY Times:

This alternative future will be a relief to the fans who reacted negatively to the marriage to Veronica. “The polls that I’ve seen ran about 80/20, Betty over Veronica, with Jughead continually coming in a strong third,” said Mr. Uslan, a comic-book historian.

LOL.

Ok, so now that Archie Comics have introduced the concept of alternate timelines in their universe, epic major crossover anyone?

Know what I think? I think Archie Comics should’ve just stuck to their guns with the Archie-Ronnie marriage and came up with a married Archie spinoff. Now that’s something I would want to read.

And if they feel that they can’t get Archie out of the marriage without aging him, there’s always Mephisto.

P.S. I fear that Archie comics may jump the shark after all of this.

Apparently we made it into the finals of the Philippine Blog Awards 2009 <– Click here to see us in the list!

While I honestly don’t EXPECT us to win, I do HOPE!

Such is me in my blue lantern shirt:

But hope isn’t enough of course! Comicgasm would have never made it into the finals if it weren’t for us being awesome in one way or another. We sure ain’t gonna win if we just sit back and scratch our balls while staring at the sky as w usually do. Sure we delay posts 80% of the time – but really, what made us into the finals I wonder?

So I sought to describe Comicgasm and I learned that we are awesome because of a few things that we are. Some of these are essential truths that make up the fabric of the universe itself and cannot be defied! Deny them at your own cost.

COMICGASM FACTS:

-The name of Comicgasm was derived from two words: comics and orgasm. Therefore, whenever we post, someone has an orgasm.

-Contrary to popular belief, there is explicit nudity & visual sex scenes in DC, Marvel & Archie comics. Comicgasm simply chooses to keep those pages to ourselves. (See Justice League: Cry for Justice #2 and Archie #601)

- It is a well known fact that only three organisms in the world have pleasure when they have sex: Man, dolphins & Comicgasm.

- When Darkseid hits you with his Omega ray, you don’t die. You just Comicgasm.

- Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice – but only because he was trying to measure the amount of testosterone in Comicgasm.

- Superboy-Prime thought Comicgasm was stupid. Therefore the Legion of Three Worlds exists.

- DC & Marvel once disapproved a superhero idea inspired by Comicgasm’s awesome claiming the character was too powerful. Instead it was turned into a joke. We now know this as the Chuck Norris Facts.

- The modern Marvel comic book series no longer mentions the Infinity Gems. This is because Comicgasm has paid Marvel not to reveal where we get our awesome.

- Disney bought Marvel so they can finally have enough money to pay Comicgasm for Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen body.

- The Nick Fury character was based on Samuel L. Jackson. The Samuel L. Jackson character was based on Comicgasm.

- The Green Lanterns recite an oath from the guardians. The Guardians recite an oath from Comicgasm.

- Comicgasm confronts the Guardians of the Universe with a Poke’ball and shouts “I choose you!”

- A member of Comicgasm has in fact met, sat down and chatted with Neil Gaiman – without knowing who he was. (and got him addicted to calamansi juice – see proof here.)

- When Alan Moore once got writer’s block in coming up with a character for his novel, he read Comicgasm. Inspired he created Dr. Manhattan.

- Comicgasm designed the costumes of Power Girl & Black Canary and hates the design of Wonder Woman’s costume – saying it ain’t revealing enough.

- When the Hulk gets angry, he gets bigger. When Comicgasm gets horny, he gets BIGGER.

- Comicgasm was supposed to be superhero – but we refused to wear spandex. Not because we don’t like spandex, but because we ALWAYS have a hard-on.

- Comicgasm won a hard-on contest with The Thing.

- Comicgasm won a staring contest with Daredevil.

- Comicgasm has retractable claws but no healing factor. We don’t need it. We like bleeding awesome.

- Comicgasm owns Dominic Ochoa’s long lost twin brother.

AND THAT’S IT. I finally know what lead us to this place so far!

If you have any more Comicgasm facts, pls pls COMMENT! XD

Oh lookee. The Comicgasm monkeys have been all busy getting drunk and we’ve totally forgotten this little blog of ours. Oh well. Time to make the reviews then.

Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #2

I’ve mostly avoided the Ultimate Universe, but after Loeb did his best to destroy said universe, I thought, well, it can only get better after this. (continue reading…)

UPDATE: Ah fuck. They took down the clips. I’m looking for more clips for you guys. Oh well. Or you can check this out.

I kind of hate Mark Millar after pulling that little event called “Civil War” out of his ass and he shat on Iron Man. Okay, the status quo that came out of it was one of the best universe shakeups ever, but the main event book felt rushed and didn’t live up to its potential.

Anyway, my point is that even if I hated Civil War, I love what he’s done with The Ultimates and the Millarverse (yeah, even if he’s named an entire universe after himself, I’ll let it slide). Wanted is such an awesome book that I actually forgave Millar for Civil War after reading it. Let’s not talk about the stupid movie adaptation and its prophetic loom.

Another Millar book that I totally love is the superhero satire/deconstruction Kick-Ass. I love the very mundane origin story, the superhero parody, and the artwork. Oh, the art. John Romita Jr’s not my favorite artist, but he’s coming out with the best artwork he’s done since, well, the 90′s. (continue reading…)