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It was another normal day at the Marvel Bullpen. Brubaker was ranting yet again about politics while Fraction was intently listening, giving empathic noises while eating a large bowl of chocolate chip cookies. Whedon was, I dunno, slaying sparkly vampires or something. PAD was off looking for another character to turn gay.

Then the door burst open. Quesada waltzed in, with a big grin on his face. “Everyone!” he shouted. “You know that I love to fuck up everybody’s favorite comics. You see, I’ve already raped and pillaged our buying public’s childhood memories, and when everyone thinks I haven’t ruined comics enough for them, I found another way to shit on people!”

Everyone stopped what they were doing. They turned their heads towards the raving Quesada. “So, who wants to write this EVENT! comic? It’ll reboot the Ultimate Universe! And it won’t make any sense at all!”

Suddenly the room fell quiet. Everyone started twiddling their fingers while shifting uncomfortably in their seats. Finally, Bendis spoke up. “I dunno Joe, after I wrote House of M and Secret Invasion, I think I’ve gotten me enough death threats to last me two more years. I have to pass this time.”

Brubaker raised his hand. “Oh no, Ed, you can’t write this.” Quesada said. “I’m hiring you to write the good stuff.” Brubaker silently left the room, and you could actually hear a loud “DAMMIT!” coming from the bathroom.

Whedon, Fraction and Parker quickly shook their heads. JMS declined and flipped off Quesada. Finally, Warren Ellis got out from under his table, disshelved and reeking of whatever liquor those Englishmen drink. “Hey, we have a new guy right?” he said. “Why not get him to write that shite?”

Everyone turned their heads to Loeb, who was trying hard to fit into a window to escape. He stopped, and the hate in his face was so much Quesada felt his nipples burning.

“Fine.” Loeb said, through gritted teeth. “I’ll write the fucking event. But I won’t like it. And that’s a threat. Damn you all to hell.”

And thus:

Related posts:

1. Just when I thought I was finished ranting over Ultimatum…
2. Worst Comics of the Decade – Ultimatum
3. Since we’re all into Blackest Night now…
4. Delayed Reviews: Invincible Iron Man #17, Ultimate Comics Avengers #2, Red Robin #4
5. Reviews: Captain America Reborn #2, Amazing Spider-Man #601, Justice League: Cry For Justice #2

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